Love & Coffee

So, I’m like 125 days late to posting about my favorite thing - love. Technically you all should’ve been reading this on Valentine’s Day but truthfully, you’re getting more bang for your buck by my tardiness to this yearly occasion in which I tell you all about love in my life!!

Welcome back! Since I started this yearly Valentine’s Day blog post dedicated to sharing perspective, experience, and advice when it comes to love and relationships over 500 of you have read in on my love life - which brings me so much happiness because that's the whole reason I share, to begin with. My goal is and always has been to be authentic about my experiences so you might be more comfortable with your own.

Now that we’ve done some housekeeping, let’s get to the tea… or coffee actually.

I was getting coffee with a freshman girlfriend of mine this spring and our conversation ultimately led to the topic of dating and relationships and how hard it can be to date in college in a way that honors God. I understood many of the problems she was facing and laughed with her over our shared misfortunes. So, I started talking to her about some of my relationships and how I handled dating in college with a desire to ultimately be in a relationship that honored God. It went a little like this…

I’ve been on dates with 8 different guys since I got to college, a few of which ended with an optimistic second date, and even less that advanced to a third. I don’t date casually so getting a first date is usually a good sign on its own but the second I recognize that a behavior, characteristic, or tendency of a young man isn’t in line with my standards for a husband, I stop entertaining the idea of a relationship with them entirely. That might sound harsh or unrealistic but here's the deal, if a guy isn’t willing to do or be what you need him to be when you are dating then you can’t expect him to do it in marriage. If you wouldn’t settle in marriage, why would you settle in dating if it is meant to lead you to marriage?

I think dating in a way that honors God means dating for marriage.

For example, I want my husband to open my car door without me asking. It might sound old-fashioned, but I think that little thing shows a willingness to do things humbly and consistently as an act of service to your significant other. I’d like to believe a man who does the little things without being asked is more likely to do the big things a marriage requires.

So, on more than one occasion with more than one of those eight guys, I opened my own car door. Now, I wouldn’t exile a guy for that little thing alone, but it certainly makes me question his ability to show up for me at the standard which I desire.

When reporting to my mom about these dates the conversation would usually go a little something like, “He is a nice guy, I laughed a lot, but ______ was concerning to me and he didn’t open the car door. Or He’s perfect on paper but I don’t feel a spark. Or I really want to like him, but he is so negative that it drastically brings my positive energy down.” All ending with, “So I don’t think he is my husband.”

I’m not kidding, someone at church asked my mom if I was in a relationship and she literally told them “She goes on lots of first dates but every time she says, ‘He’s not my Husband’.”

Is it a little embarrassing to think about eight failed potential relationships? Sure it is! I dread reporting to my girlfriends or my family that it isn’t going anywhere but the truth I recognize is I’d rather tell them about a hundred failed dating relationships than to tell them about a failed marriage someday.

So, to all my girly pops out there, I hope you keep your standards HIGH! You are valuable and cherished as a daughter of the one true King, our Father in Heaven. God would never ever ever want you to be easy. My advice to you is this, don’t be afraid to ask for more out of a guy, even if it means asking another guy entirely.

As someone who loves hard, I couldn’t imagine constantly asking someone to be more for me. Keeping my standards high assures me that eventually when I report back to my mom or my girlfriends after a date, I can say… I could see him being my husband - confidently.

Be a girl who knows what you want, who knows what God would want for you, and who doesn’t let the fear of being alone stop you from settling for less than what God has designed for you.

Example A - I spent years saving pieces of my heart for a guy who was never going to pick me. I settled for way less than I deserved or desired because I thought someday, he would wake up and realize I deserved more from him. I thought I could love him enough to make him love me, but the harsh reality was he wasn’t willing to be the more I was asking of him. His tendencies were a reflection of his willingness. Eventually, I realized I would rather start all over with another person than keep begging someone to be more than they wanted to be.

I gave myself time to mourn that loss and did some major heart work so I could be a better friend, sister, and eventually wife. I read “Love Your Husband Before You Even Have One” and dove into a podcast series by The Porch on dating, singleness, and marriage. I started spending time praying for my future husband and praying for the future spouses of the guys with whom I’d had failed dating relationships. It was hard but effective at refining my heart for love.

When the next guy came around and I went on a first, then second, and then third date I had more clarity about how I wanted to pursue a relationship and about how I wanted to be pursued in a relationship. I went from begging a guy to acknowledge our relationship to being on dates with a guy that looked like they came out of a movie.

“Movie date” guy didn’t turn out to be my husband but dang he was about a hundred steps closer to being my husband than the guy before him or the guy before him and so on.

I’m still single but every time I’m direct enough to recognize something wrong about a relationship I get more clarity about what right will look like. If there’s one thing I really want to be right about, it’s my future marriage. So, here’s to guy number 10 or 11 or whatever it takes until there’s no settling or asking for more, no hesitation or question marks. Just love, as epic as my heart or your heart desires.

I’ll leave you with a few pieces of advice that really helped me grow my understanding of what love looks like and how to date in a way that honors God.

● My best friend's mom shared this awesome philosophy so to speak about dating. The idea was that when you were dating someone it should be like practice for marriage and if you’re dating relationship failed and later, you were to run into their wife (or husband for guys) that their spouse should be able to thank you for dating your ex (their spouse) well, for adding value to their life, for loving them in a Christ-like manner.

Date people well enough that someday their wife could honestly thank you for loving their husband well while you had him. Dating like that will honor God.

● I heard this on a video, and it really resonated with me, the guy said when you are dating look for the person you would want to suffer with. Love is easy when everything is going right but what about when everything goes wrong.

It is easy to love people and receive love from others when we are happy and when we are celebrating, but to love someone and to receive love from someone while you are suffering is a whole different thing. A depth that all relationships are bound to have to explore eventually so if you look for that quality when you are dating you can have assurance about your ability to withstand suffering together in marriage.

● This is a very reduced summary of an idea presented in “Love Your Husband Before You Even Have One” but the author basically talks about being a woman worth dying for. She says it in the sense that when you are dating or in marriage, you can’t be giving C- effort and expecting an A+ man. We all hold the responsibility of being willing to provide ourselves with what we would ask for from another person.

So set your standards high and attract people who meet or exceed that standard with your own lifestyle. You attract joy when you radiate it. You look like love when you sound like love. You become more like Christ when you live like him.

I hope you say yes to the chance of love as often as possible but take the responsibility of protecting your heart seriously. A man is waiting out there somewhere who will want your heart for exactly what it is but until God introduces you to him, I encourage you to focus on becoming a woman worth dying for.

Most of all don’t forget to love louder because typically people match the volume which you set as the standard,

xx,

Brooke